Is Inferiority Making You a Human-doing?

"The masters' works I look upon
And I see what they have done;
When looking upon this or that by me,
What I should have done is what I see."

--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

One of the most common problems clients bring to me is an inferiority complex. They don't describe it that way, but they talk about their symptoms in a variety of ways:

1) I don't feel appreciated at work.
2) I feel like a loser.
3) I wonder if this is the best it's going to be for me.
4) Will I ever amount to anything? Or am I a nobody like mother always said?
5) My boss doesn't even know I exist.
6) I'm tired of being my boss's whipping boy. I'll never be as good as Wilson and he knows it.
7) I thought I'd be a vice president by now.
8) I'm 45 years old and I have nothing to show for it.
9) My career is a crushing disappointment to my wife.
10) I'm not smart/talented/aggressive/lucky enough to succeed in this industry. I might as well quit.

Lately, nearly 90% of my clients have uttered at least one of these phrases within the first 5 minutes of our session. After 30 minutes, most of them have said nearly all 10! So, what's the problem? Why are we having so much difficulty with finding a way to feel important, valued or significant? And more importantly, why do we NEED to feel that way?

There are 2 main reasons, as far as I can tell. First, those of us who often feel inferior at work (or anywhere else) feel this way because we base our worth on what we do or how much we've accomplished. We're human doings not human beings. This maladjusted thinking is usually courtesy of our parents who would only show approval if we did something good. Second, these days, in a crowded market place and over-crowded world, its tough to stand out. By stand out, I mean make a splash so you can get noticed for that job you've always wanted; to say nothing of making a dent in the universe by curing cancer, inventing inter galactic travel or composing this century's classical sonata. It's tough. There's a lot of competition and not enough time for anyone to notice it. Unless you attract attention to yourself!

Anyone who spends 10 minutes online can lay witness to the siege of pathetic souls who are crying out for attention and approval. Look at me! Notice how cool I am! Cherish and value me! Love me and adore me! You can just hear the screams for approval on any one of the dozens of online social networking sites, shameless self-promoting sites and self-proclaimed expert blogs. These are only the symptoms---the manifestations of pain and suffering. What really needs to be done, and what will truly help these folks isn't an outlet for their pathetic displays of inferiority; they need to become comfortable in their own skin.

On the show Saturday Night Live, Al Franken played a character called Stuart Smalley. His spoof on counselors as 'caring nurturers' who helped people feel better about themselves with Daily Affirmations was a huge success. His character was a loving, non-threatening, a-sexual counselor who encouraged us to be "OKAY" with who we are. His catch-phrase was one that he made us repeat and affirm time and again, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it---people like me!" We all know that 99.9% of humor discloses the truth, so this skit was extremely popular during the go-go '90's and still is today. But it only goes as far as being funny. What's sad is that there's nothing funny about it, it's free therapy!

If only Woody took Stuart's advice, he'd be in a better place today.....

Woody grew up with demanding parents and was a quintessential human doing. His parents pushed him into being a star football player in high school and college. He was an academic All-American in high school and college as well. During high school, he was also class president, volunteered 25 hours each week for community organizations, organized church missions in 9 countries, and interned in Washington, DC for 2 years. Of course he attended a top university.

In college, he was big, but not that BIG.....at least not as a larger than life superhero as he was in high school. He truly believed that he was losing his edge. He compared himself to others who came before him, and who were actually better than he was. He wasn't measuring up to others successful ventures, and he wasn't measuring up to his parents expectations. Then he got depressed. He felt helpless and hopeless, like all of his efforts to succeed weren't working. As he slumped, his parents pushed him harder. As they pushed harder, they became frustrated and Woody realized that their love was only conditional to his super-star status being retained.

To find some sort of value and acknowledgement, he joined one of the popular social networking sites. There, he posted all of his nefarious and highly questionable and debauchery-laden pursuits in all of their illicit drug and naked splendor! Needless to say, he got lots of attention! He was valued for who he was, even though it was as an infantile party animal. That was ok with Woody, he liked being noticed, and he liked the feeling of having an audience 24/7.

He was noticed so much that his university's dean of students expelled him for conduct unbecoming a student, the police department investigated his illicit drug use (which he posted in many photos and videos) and ultimately led to possessions charges. To add insult to injury, after all of this, Woody didn't dismantle his social networking site. He kept it up as is! In fact, after he transferred colleges, and was ready to graduate into the workforce, something unfortunate happened.

Woody's verbal offer with an investment bank in New York City was rescinded after the HR department's background check yielded his possessions charge. How did they find out about that? He proudly posted it on his social networking site! The HR department searched the Net with his name and found his site....that's all they needed. No expensive background investigation service for Woody's application, and no six figure job offer either.

He wasn't smart enough to let go of his pathetic need for approval, he wasn't good enough to get a job out of college and doggone it, nobody likes him!